Even Though I am Unfaithful

I can still see her tear stained face, and her beautiful blue eyes staring at what felt like then a hole right through me. I looked away and stared down at my feet and kicked at the ground, swallowing the huge lump of shame and grief in my throat that would later erupt into bitter tears as I recounted the afternoon’s events. Life was good on the 5th grade playground at recess time. Games of tag, hopscotch and jump rope littered the field, while other little groups of students competitively chatted trying to outdo each other with tales from pre-teen life. It was a sweet time in the spring in Michigan when you could shed your coat at the monkey bars and swings. So much fun unless you were the new girl in our class. Mary Jane had moved late in the school year from New York as a result of her mom’s remarriage. I think her Dad had passed away, but I am still not sure. Mary Jane spoke differently, dressed differently and was quiet and quite studious, and she wore clear lip gloss.

Looking back I can see she could have been a fashion model. She was quite striking and sophisticated in ways that were beyond our local blue-collar neighborhood. I liked her immediately, and it wasn’t long before we were paling around school. When we told funny stories to each other, Mary would smile and reveal gorgeous white teeth and just shake her head. The boys pulled her hat over her face or played keep away with her little purse. But the girls were mean. They talked behind her back, shunned her and walked away when she came up. One day it escalated, and the girls taunted her openly, telling her how weird she was and who did she think she was, trying to make herself better than everyone else. One girl particularly mean, kicked her in the shins and 2 other girls held her while another smeared lip gloss from Mary’s purse all around her mouth while she struggled to pull away. Me? I was astounded at such mean behavior and knew it was wrong but my comfort level with the 6th grade bullying girls taunting her was in good standing.The inner battle was terrible but my feet stayed planted right where they were. I did not dig deep for words to intervene and ashamed to say, rather than go for help, my silent witness of the event conveyed that I was an accomplice whether I wanted to accept it or not. Mary Jane’s piercing blue eyes both questioned me and condemned me and I knew in that moment, I had cut her trust and our friendship to the core. I had betrayed her.

If we are all honest we have either witnessed such behavior or been the victim of betrayal. I read these words recently ” the hard thing about betrayal is, it never comes from your enemies.”I am sure Mary Jane felt that way. The wounds from betrayal stay with us and while the rawness may leave, a bruise remains behind. If like me, you are the betrayer then you know, it takes a lot of grace and forgiveness to move past the shame and guilt over the fact that you did something that went against your basic principles and intentions. But fear, love of the crowd and comfort, popularity, selfishness can lead us to behave in ways that we are confident we would never participate in prior to our moments of failure.

I think this is why Peter is such a popular disciple I certainly can identify with his outspoken ways that are fueled by too much emotion and passion. Likewise, I love that Peter is demonstrative in his love for Jesus and stays near remaining in the inner sanctum of Jesus. He is painted in scripture as a leader. While Peter had tons of potential, the very things that made him great also served as his greatest liabilities.Jesus warned Peter in Luke 22 that “Satan desires to sift you like wheat, Peter.” Peter promises the Lord that “even if all others fall away, yet I will not.”(Mark 14:29) What does this mean? For me, it means that Satan will target my strengths, areas where I feel invincible and confident. And of course, when I fail, the fall is all the more humiliating and demoralizing. Failure and the shame that accompanies it, can back us into a place where we have trouble recovering from it. My heart breaks everytime I read the account of Peter’s denial of Christ. I ache for the pain it caused my Lord to look at someone He loved so deeply and see the betrayal up close and personal. I cringe and hurt for Peter as I identify with the heart that broke when he heard the cock crow the third time. I recognize that except for God’s grace, that could be me.

I might inquire as a spectator of that account in scripture, “How could Peter ever do that?” But deep down I know how. The love for self-preservation outweighed the love for Jesus. Pressure from the crowd and fear of retaliation led Peter directly to denial. Though on a grander deeper scale, the root cause is not much different than the force that crippled me that day on the playground. One moment you are confident in who you think you are, and the next moment is revelation about what you are capable of .The scripture says Peter wept bitterly over the realization that came at dawn when the rooster came calling, literally. . 

But thanks be to God my faithfulness is not based on my own abilities and strengths. Faith is a gift in itself. It comes out of the faithfulness of God and is imparted to me as I make the choice to follow Christ. The pressure to keep covenant with God is not on me. It is on God and sealed by something far greater than my good intentions and promises or my strongest will and attributes.It is kept by the blood of Christ that pardons all sin, failure including denial and betrayal. This covenant with God also assures not just deliverance but restoration should I fall. Peter was fully restored and forgiven by Jesus. I believe this is why Jesus later asked Peter 3 times “Do you love me?”It was a do over to help Peter forgive himself as Jesus had already done and move forward. Peter would become a powerful preacher of the good news, participating in Pentecost and was one of the 12 that changed the world. Would Peter have seen that in his future on the morning after his vehement denial of Christ? Aren’t we glad that God sees beyond our moments of epic failure and see the newness of opportunity that only He can bring to our life?

I could say I have never denied Jesus openly, and that may be true, But I have denied and been unfaithful in other ways, like failing to forgive, neglecting the orphan and the widow. It’s a denial of the Creator of the universe when I won’t fight for the unborn and protect the sanctity of life. I deny Jesus my time when I would rather be self-indulgent and pursue the things that pleasure me more than His company or His word. I demonstrate my unfaithfulness to God’s provision everytime I fear a lack of bread or don’t share what I have with others. Certainly the strongest betrayal is when I remain quiet about all He is to me and all that He has done for me, excusing myself with the notion that other people’s faith is their business and it;s only out of respect for them that I don’t share. Betrayal and denial have their way of justifying their actions through situational ethics. But even though I am unfaithful, even though I have betrayed Him, God is ever faithful. His forgiveness is not limited. His mercies are new every morning. Even on mornings after the rooster crows.