Road to Rage

If you have been following my blog, then you know there has been a pause in my posting. First, there were a multitude of events. I want to say this was the sole reason, but the accompanying rationale is that, as always, if you are going to write or teach a lesson from scripture, you have to live it. When I arrived at the passage about anger in this series, ideas began taking shape in my mind, but that was before a planned trip. We had a marvelous time with close friends that we have a long history with and finished off with a stop-by, spending the night with a dear cousin. I planned to write that Tuesday, but Monday came, and our closest friend and neighbor of over 15 years died suddenly. I saw him at 1:30PM in the afternoon, and by 9PM, Tim had left us. His wife and I held hands in the ER waiting room as the doctor gave us the news.

The next morning after a long night, our daughter received the news she would undergo a breast biopsy after her annual mammogram revealed a small tumor. I was already mad about Tim’s untimely death, and this new revelation fed the smolder in my soul. Jim was scheduled for a minor surgical procedure the following week on Thursday. Our daughter’s biopsy was scheduled for the same day in her hometown, about 90 miles from us, so I could not be with her. This ticked off my mom’s meter!

On the day of the surgery, I dropped our youngest pup at the groomer to spend the day. The anesthesiologist was in the room with Jim and me when the groomer called crying, relaying she had accidentally cut Auggie’s tongue while shaving around his mouth, I kissed Jim, and he went to the OR. I got on the phone with a vet and our son to arrange an eval for Auggie. Now I’m really getting frustrated when my vet tells me they are booked and can’t help me. A vet I have seen for 15 years! Now I am moderately angry! The 2nd vet couldn’t help because their building took a lightning strike and had no power! Finally, the 3rd vet offered me assistance which resulted in Auggie being put to sleep and having his tongue sutured. I finished the hospital visit with Jim by getting stuck in the parking garage behind someone who got lucky, and the auto gate and ticket machine malfunctioned, spitting tickets all over the ground.

After impatiently waiting, visualizing Jim, in post-op pain, waiting in the wheelchair at the front door in the Charleston swelter, and no way for me to contact him about my delay, I self righteously got out of my vehicle. Silently belittling all the other drivers who had not made any effort to help, and asked the young woman driver to call security. At the same time, I attempted to help the elderly man at the gate, who, by this time, had exited his vehicle. She politely told me she did not know the number, and I, in my formal spiritual church tone, suggested, “Google it!” When I reached the man at the gate, he was near tears, had a wife in ICU. When he turned toward me, I saw he was missing His left eye. I desperately asked the Lord for help and found the call button, and the responder opened the gate. As I returned to my vehicle, I passed the young driver, came close to her window, and growled, “Seriously?” The scripture that instructs me to “Be Angry and not Sin” is nowhere on my radar, and the Holy Spirit has been hindered by my
boiling temper. I picked Jim up, and the delay caused us to hit rush hour traffic. I rebuke driver after driver and audibly share how traffic is my thorn in the flesh.

When I stopped to get the pain prescription that the drug store was notified of 5 hours prior, the pharmacist shares he had the stool softener ready but not the pain medicine. I “theologically” posed the question about why he thought one was a priority over the other and he shared that I would not believe the day he has had to which I replied sarcastically, “Try me.” I told him I would return later for the pain medicine, and he politely asked me what time. In my Sunday morning tone, after I have yelled- at- the -kids-in-the-car voice, I respond, “I’ll surprise you!” When I got home, I crashed on the couch and noticed my computer sitting on my desk. The Holy Spirit rebuked my spirit and reminded me I had just lived the lesson about anger. All day long I had been on the road to rage. Usually, I am not prone to temper tantrums, and my insides feel like jello. I realized at that moment how prayerless and thoughtless I had been and how much I wanted to justify my words and actions. I confessed, but knew I would be spending a lot of time in the prayer closet with the Father to fully repent and reconcile.

I have had a few weeks in scripture and in prayer to work through this. I realized how mad I was that Tim had died. A beloved colorful thread in our daily life tapestry was gone! I resented our daughter facing another health issue (praise God for benign results!) While I was tired, caregiving, grieving, emotional, and frustrated, I took out my anger on all who crossed my path that day. Jesus tells us in His Sermon on the Mount that anger in the heart is comparable to murder. “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” (Matt 5:22) All are born out of the same motive and spirit. The scriptures use the word “Raca,” which means “worthless.”

All day long, in every encounter, I had deemed that in my heart, the driver, the vet, pharmacist were worthless, totally useless to me. As a follower of Christ, His desire is for me to see folks the way He does. Valuable, equally of worth, and divinely created and purposed by Him and for Him. The problem arises when I focus on myself and what I think is purposeful and significant. Every stop on the road to rage provides an opportunity to refresh and reset if I would but ask God to help me maintain my commitment to His work in the world around me. Even when I can’t see purpose or reason in my circumstances, I can always see God, for Christ is with me, and the Holy Spirit is always present within me. I don’t have to understand why if I believe the what. The What is that God is always at work for me and others for our best and our benefit to reveal His love for us and to bring glory to himself. In the daily struggles! It is easier to justify our behavior when life goes awry. But the mark of discipleship is in our response to these trying times. I can reason gospel truth all day, but if I cannot respond with the gospel and the love that is the very fiber of it, I am further down the road away from Christ and what He desires for and from me than I am willing to admit. People will never see Jesus in me if I don’t see His humanity in them.

The call to avoid sinful anger is not promoting accepting abuse or poor stewardship of resources. However, as soon as I am looking for a loophole to justify anger, I am already in the wrong spirit. Should the woman have helped in the garage? Probably. But God called me and opened the gate by helping me find the button. Should the vet have helped me? I went in person, and we resolved expectations in emergency situations. We understand each other better, and they are using my situation with Auggie to train their administrative staff on how to better address the needs of their patients. The next time I was in the drug store, I stopped at the counter and shared a smile about bad days. I thanked the pharmacist for all the good service and help I have received and hoped their short-staffed department would soon improve. He shared how bad he feels when he can’t help folks because he is stretched too thin. I promised I would pray for him, and he thanked me. I had to take our other dog, Cleo, to the groomer and insisted that Joy do it. I hugged her and told her I still trusted her. I know how quick Auggie is and how much he wants to lick everyone. I once cut Cleo’s nail so short it bled for hours. Joy cried and said she couldn’t wait to see Auggie again because it broke her heart that he could be fearful. I assured her we would all be fine. God is in the little things!

Was all this necessary? Yes! According to the passages after the verse on anger, Christ instructs us to not have our worship hindered. He tells us to settle our differences before coming before Him to offer gifts and worship. The scriptures specifically tell us that even if we aren’t angry but know someone is angry at us, we should go to them and reconcile before attempting to worship. I do not have a Pollyanna perspective and know sometimes folks won’t make up or reconcile despite our best efforts to make things right. If you have attempted without response, continue to worship from a place of surrender and know God is sovereign, sees your intent, and provides grace to move on. Their worship is God’s business, not ours.

I am still mad that Tim died, but I know He is with the Lord and, at almost 80, never suffered. No dementia, cancer, oxygen tanks, dialysis, etc. Just a massive cardiac incident that took his spirit before his body was aware. When Jim and I entered the living room that Monday evening, Tim was already gone. Despite Jim’s CPR efforts and the responders who tirelessly tried to revive him, the Lord called Him home. He wouldn’t return if he could. I pray for our angry, grieving hearts and give thanks that grief means we are loved. I am still mad that our daughter will face surgery to remove the benign tumor, but I thank God for the divine protection God has given her and the peace that we can trust Him, no matter the outcome. He loves Erin more than we do.

As I write this, thankful that while I am on the road to heaven, Christ offers me a transformed way to travel. I don’t have to choose the road to rage but instead can stop, pray and turn in a different direction. While anger is an emotion, part of how I am made, it is designed to be a passenger but never a driver. Reflecting on that day, the Holy Spirit softly reminds me I am on the road to recovery.

Come back next time when the 5 o’clock worker examines the danger of lust, “Window Shopping is Expensive!” when the series “Moments on the Mountain continues.